The Bachelor recap: Balls of carbs and jumping from planes
IN TENSE scenes, Matty J has been forced to put his foot down and give the girls of The Bachelor a stern talking to following a chaotic meltdown.
You know, up until now I had just written off Matty as a sweet, passive guy who you could push around. But seeing the way he got so angry and firm during Thursday night's episode - it made me feel ... things.
We also witnessed one of the girls actually get tortured in the name of love and another publicly shamed for trying to talk to Matty.
Anyway, we all tuned in on Thursday night to see how this whole Sian meltdown mess ends. If you recall, she spiralled out of control during Wednesday night's cocktail party - eliminating herself from the competition before choosing to come back exactly one second later. And Matty J brought the tension to new heights when he had a panic attack during the rose ceremony that resulted in an upsetting cliffhanger.
So, we return to the scene of the crime: the rose ceremony. Matty drops a rose and hangs his head. He looks up.
"Sorry, can ... can I have a word with you, Sian?" he says pointedly.
Sian plays dumb and pretends to be totally clueless about what this could possibly be regarding.
Matty doesn't want Sian or her level of nutbaggery associated with this esteemed series. And while he could just, you know, not give her a rose during the ceremony that is literally underway, that's simply not dramatic enough.
"If I'm gonna be completely honest, I think the kind of doubt you've got at the moment ... I can't really see that anything between us is going to come to fruition here," he tells her, using the very roundabout statement to cut her loose.
But, as we've learned, you don't get rid of Sian that easily.
And, even though Matty's clearly just dumped her, she ignores that part of the conversation and craps on with stuff that makes it seem like she's graciously taking herself out of the competition.
"I think it's not our destiny to be together," she tells him, scrunching her nose up and looking at him sympathetically as if she's just had to quash his deep feelings for her.
When Matty returns to the rose ceremony, daddy is angry.
In Sian's meltdown, she questioned his motivations and honesty and insinuated he just does whatever producers tell him to do.
Matty stands in front of the huddled girls and lays down the law.
"I just wanna say to you ladies: I'm not just some puppet that's being told what to do," he scolds.
And he's right. These ladies shouldn't be so insulting as to think of him that way. There's only one puppet on this show and that's Osher.
"When I pick someone for a single date that's because I pick them myself. I decide who goes on those dates. When you receive a rose in the rose ceremony, that's because it's entirely my decision."
Matty's looking to discipline anyone who steps out of line and I wish I was in that room to call him a puppet just to see what the punishment is. Phwoar.
The following day, after Matty sends everyone to bed without dinner, Tara scores a single date.
Remember her? Brown hair? Loud voice? Deep-throated a banana?
Matty surprises her with a tandem bicycle ride which means it's twice as boring as a regular bicycle ride.
Then they recreate the pottery wheel scene from Ghost but instead of clay it's a ball of carbs and I feel like this is a sequence taken straight from my fantasies.
For this week's group date, a bunch of girls get selected to go on the outing which, from my understanding, is purely organised to torture Simone.
We arrive at an airfield and find a tiny plane made out of Lego with wings attached by thumbtacks.
Everyone's super stoked and I kind of wish the whole series stook place inside this trash can instead of the mansion.
Everyone's psyched except Simone. She is terrified. And despite her pleas, producers force her into a blue jumpsuit and strap her into the plane.
They then actually get the pilot to turn the engine off so the girls free fall for 20 seconds in this crapbox.
"You don't have to jump if you don't want to," Simone is told at the very same second she's shoved out of the plane.
Her body falls toward the earth. And as we watch the flesh on her face flap rapidly in the wind, she suddenly decides she doesn't hate this experience. In fact, she loves it. It's a total "Sian" moment.
Later that night at the cocktail party, Matty takes Stephanie away for some private time and Michelle starts to get antsy. She hasn't had any face time with him yet and she's decided tonight is the night.
She summons the courage to walk over to Matty and Steph. But as she makes her move, she's publicly shamed by Laura and Simone for daring to interrupt someone's conversation - even though everyone else has done it at least twice this series.
They hiss and scowl at her until she's forced to slump away.
Michelle is a police office and this interaction really makes me question her abilities as a law enforcement official. She should of just slapped them with a public indecency fine for being nosy bitches and kept powerwalking over.
Sharlene, who I don't really recognise, gets annoyed and jumps in and they start fighting and she uses an analogy about Ticketek that I don't really understand.
With the rest of the girls now distracted, Jen goes and shoves Stephanie in a garden and spends the rest of the night chilling with Matty.
At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Michelle and Natalie.
If eliminated, Michelle is a police officer and could have Matty's car towed. And Natalie's the girl that let one rip in episode one.
So smell you later, Natalie.
For more observations on balls of carbs and tandem bicycles, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir